pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
