I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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