I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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