Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
