I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
