I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
