people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
