i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
the liver wants what the liver wants
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
