Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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