I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
