it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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