my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
