I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
