The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
