i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
