I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
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You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So apparently I’m into choking now
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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