mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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