You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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