She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
