WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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