You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
