ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the room spins SO much faster in panama
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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