I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.