I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard