I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
