Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
