Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Im part way to drunk.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
