omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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