Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
