Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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