During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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