I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
