I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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