I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
