we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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