I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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