why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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