We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
