I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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