Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Randomize
