I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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