my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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