3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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