I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Is it penis luge time yet?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
