Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
