I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
