Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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