i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
