He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i love accidental penises.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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