A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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