Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
