So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
