I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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