his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
