Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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