my phone needs a breathalizer
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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