I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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